Monday, January 27, 2014

10 Rules for Homeschooling Correctly

If you're new to homeschooling - or if you're and old hand at it - there are some rules you should know (if you don't know them already).  

1)  Socialize your child.  Obviously, you haven't considered this because you have made the decision to homeschool and, as everyone knows, homeschooled children are unsocialized.  

2)  Lessons and activities are a must!  Since your child is missing out on being socialized through public school, you must accomplish this task with lessons - piano lessons, oboe lessons, guitar lessons, voice lessons, acting lessons - and activities - ballet, gymnastics, soccer, basketball, basket weaving, art classes.  A minimum of five per child is required.

3) Have 15 children.  This will help with the socialization, although it won't be as complete as in public school, but it's a start.  This will also lower the lessons and activities requirement... to four per child.  (I only have five children and I'm 40; I'm failing this requirement, I'm sure.  My homeschooling permit may be revoked.)

4)  The homeschooling mom should wear the uniform.  Uniform?  Yes.  Straight denim skirt, white t-shirt (preferably man's cut, not a cute, fitted cut), white or pastel trimmed ankle-length athletic socks, and white Reeboks (the ones from the 80s are ideal).

5)  The homeschooling children should wear the uniform.  Uniform?  Yes.  Pajamas.

6)  You can't eat unless you practice extreme couponing and/or raise all of your own meat, wheat, and produce.  Everyone who homeschools does either one or both... trust me.  Not only will either activity ensure you, your husband, and your unsocialized 15 children do not starve, but extreme couponing will count as math and growing food will count as science.  

7)  Cancel cable or satellite service.  Television is evil.  No one who homeschools watches television - ever!

8)  Subscribe to Netflix, Hulu, or some service providing hours of watchable education.  Everyone who homeschools watches documentaries - always!

9)  Every trip out of the house is a field trip.  Grocery store... field trip!  Movie theatre... field trip!  Power company to pay the electricity bill... field trip!   And while you're in the car, you have the option of carschooling.  That's homeschool in the car.  More CDs and workbooks, less hovering.  Carschooling counts as homeschool.  Field trips count as homeschool!  All waking hours count as homeschool!  Yay!

10)  All homeschooled children are gifted, so your child must be gifted, too.  That's why you're homeschooling, right?  

Oh!  A bonus requirement:  All homeschoolers must make a chicken mummy.  You have a contractual obligation as a homeschooling parent to make a chicken mummy.  Here's mine (completed in my second year of homeschooling - whew!  I got it out of the way early!):

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