Thursday, November 6, 2008

Sad Sisterhood...

My friend, Michele, left a message for me yesterday that I have joined a "sad sisterhood." Yes.

A few days ago, I posted a prayer request on my blog. I thank all of you who have prayed and, in a sense, I believe those prayers have been answered... though not the way I would have hoped.

I found out yesterday that I miscarried. (I can't even begin to describe how hard that word is to say, write, think...) I would have been 10 weeks today, but the ultrasound taken yesterday showed the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks. The really hard part has yet to come to pass, but it will in the next couple of days.

So, prayers were answered. I found out what was wrong - why things were happening to me that I couldn't explain. Now, I just need to find peace. I'm getting there.

I've had friends tell me they're sorry and they don't know what to say. That's okay - I understand. I honestly don't know what to say either. I want to say I'm sorry, too, but I don't know who I should say it to...

To myself?
To my husband?
To my children?
To the baby?

I know I didn't do anything wrong. I just feel like we're missing out on something. A life that will never be. And that's the part that is just so sad.

I was hesitant to even publish this post. I never mentioned the pregnancy, so why mention this? I mention it because it's helping me; because, in a sense, this blog is an extension of my journal that I don't mind people reading; because one day, I'll read this post with my children and explain that there was another baby... once upon a time.

11 comments:

Rhonda said...

Oh, Angela, I am continuing to pray for you. I have prayed for you this week though I did not know what was going on in your life.
Yes, it is a "Sad Sisterhood" and I am part of that group too. I had the exact same thing happen to me with my very first pregnancy then after my first baby, I had another miscarriage when she was one. It is so hard to go through but God's grace is ever so sufficient. It is something that you never completely recover from but there will be healing.
May God richly bless you and your family during this time.
((((Angela))))

Dangie said...

Thinking of you . . . ~Angie

Michele said...

I still don't know what to say either or what I want to hear. That's why I think of it as a sisterhood. I feel connected to other women even though I cannot put anything into words. I can keep my mouth shut and they can keep theirs shut, but you can look in their eyes and just know you are travelling the same road - together - with no words. I thought I would be okay because I already had one child, but every time I changed her diaper or nursed her, it just hit me that I would never do that for my other baby. That baby has a real name and a place in my heart. Sometimes I comfort myself by thinking "Alright, I've got one child in heaven, a third of my mission is complete." I had a friend with me when I lost that baby. We didn't talk. She had lost a baby too. She cleaned my laundry room and made me chocolate muffins. There are no words adequate and maybe none needed. And I need to stop typing, but I know I will not be able to say these things when I see you. I do get courage from the hugs of other "sisters." I remember trying so hard not to cry and my grandmother hugged me. She had lost a 13 month old girl, my aunt; it was never talked about. I drew strength from that hug. She never said a word to me. But I will never forget that hug. My mother tried to comfort me, but I wanted my other aunt. I just needed to be with people who did understand and were not struggling with their own feelings of helplessness. They meant well, and I hope they never have to join us. I'm not calling you today. But I'm thinking of you constantly. Your baby is with my baby, and Clayton's, and Emily's and Rhonda's and...

krazzymommy said...

Oh Angela. I have tears streaming down my face as I read your post and these comments.

I don't have anything to add, but I wish I could be there to give you a hug.

I will continue praying for you, as I have been since your last post.

Nikowa said...

From a woman who's been there (twice) I truly understand. Nothing will make it better, but think that one day you'll be able to hold your child in your arms. :)

I am here ANY time you need to talk.

princynikowa at gmail dot com

Jennefer said...

Angela,

As a three time member of the "Sad Sisterhood" I understand what you are going through. How can you love someone so much whom you never even had the chance to meet? The sadness is so profound and the hurt so deep. I told a friend that it seemed as if my womb actually ached. No words of wisdom but lots of hugs and prayers during this time of grieving. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Keep us posted on how you are doing and God's comfort to you during this time.

Jennefer

trying4two99 said...

Angela, I am praying for you. I am part of the sister hood too. I miscarried 6 years ago this week. My dh didn't know, but I knew that something was seriously wrong... We are still trying and Believing that our GOD is a gracious GOD. In HIS time (not ours- which stinks) HE will allow us to prosper. I will continue to keep you lifted up.. Are you going on Monday to Dawns'??

Sherri said...

Hugs to you my friend. No one will feel this as deeply as you do...it's hard for others to understand, but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and all of the emotions that you are going through right now.

Katherine said...

Lifting you up in prayer as a type this. I hope you feel the healing power of Christ today.

Laurie said...

From a fellow member of this "Sad Sisterhood", I'm so sorry.
It's a VERY hard path to walk. But, with God and lots of loving and prayer, you'll walk it.
A book that really helped me was A Path Through Suffering by Elisabeth Elliot.
The first year is so hard...all the little things you expected to be doing with a new babe. I still cry at the thought of our babe, and this February, it will be 2 years since our miscarriage. We have 4 children here, but we sure do miss the 1 in Heaven....

(((hugs))) to you

Blessings,
Laurie

Home School Dawn said...

Hi. I found your blog through the hsblog awards.
I am so very sorry for your recent loss. We have more in common than our nominations. I am in the sad sisterhood, too.
You are in my prayers. May God bless you and know that though you never forget, healing does come over time.